Saturday, June 13, 2009

Yoghurt all day...Shit all Night

Disclaimer: The following post contains some disgusting imagery. I cannot be held responsible for what happens to the food you just ate.

First of all I love yoghurt... my fave is ...Shyzza I cant remember what its called but I've only ever found it in England and it has those yummy sides; strawberries,chocolate, cereal you name it. What I don't like is the painful all nighter spent on the water closet after overindulging (If you don't own one of these you should really try it-its way better than the pit latrine...yes even those with attached bucket of water)with uncountable rolls of tissue which would eventually end up down the drain. Why so many? Because just when you think you are done more shit comes crashing down like no man's business.

I'm obviously not going to rant about diarrhoea the entire post so what is my point? Why do we bother to indulge in things that we know give us only a fleeting moment of pleasure but come with the possibility of a longer period of pain?

The most common examples:

I was sitting on the bed in my close friends', close friends' house with other friends and this one stranger...the only guy (Too many "friends" in one sentence abi?). He had gone out to buy us some alcohol to get the party started. Vodka and pineapple juice...its been one of my fave drinks since then. I am a very uptight person in my right mind especially if I am not comfortable with the people around me but I really wanted to have fun that night so once the drinks arrived I launched on a race with myself to get "happy" as soon as possible. You can trust our darling brother dutifully whispered the words "Shayo is your friend" every now and then. Not like I needed any of that I was determined to get wasted. Fastforward umpteen glasses of Vodka and pineapple juice and I was kneeling in my friends bathroom Regurgitating all the water in my food. My friend yelled from her room "Close the door Maiya! Your puke is smelling".

The next example is partly fictional but very plausible:

Rewind to the fore mentioned intimate gathering. When I was sufficiently inebriated I stopped drinking. I began to enjoy the music and I even started dancing, a couple of times in typical "Take you down fashion" with the only man in the house. My typical response to alcohol is to become very cuddly and very sleepy. So in a few I found myself in feotus position on the bed. I then proceeded to summon Mr Game to cuddle with me "(I don't remember this last part, my friends filled me in). The sexy Mr Game blessed my legs with glistening ice cubes sending sensations to my core I can't say I have experienced before. His hands traveled up my legs getting closer and closer to my pulsating core.*Fastforward three weeks. I had'nt spoken to Mr Game since and I cant say I missed him...I barely knew him. What I missed was my monthly visitor which was welcome then more than ever. First response clued me in once I completed the customary "pee on the stick" procedure. He wouldn't be back for another 8 months.

*Everything from here is fictional

I wonder why these delightful moments ended up with me in the bathroom looking like Fiona (Shrek) after sundown. But as I sit here on the toilet seat, waiting for the rest of the feacal matter to surface I cant help but be optimistic as I always am. I mean look at the bright side I am knocking of a few pounds right now.



  1. ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!ntooooohgi-sticking out tongue hope u learnt ur lesson-dnt drink too muc yogurt next time!alchol is reli something else!thank God u weret preggies tho!!!i should actuall try vodka and pineapple juiz!

  2. lol i know its not that bad, how can you look like fiona in shrek. lol yes you will knock a few pounds out, so its all good..

  3. Just when I was about to have my lunch.......

  4. ~Tinu~
    Vodka and pineapple juice is delicious poison. You'd love it and as for yoghurt I just cant help it, Im addicted.

    My dear, it was really serious. Im staying away from yoplait sha...that thing is deadly.

    Je m'excuse. I did issue out a warning.
    E pele